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Personal revelations have been nothing new to me recently, and I feel called to share something I just had my eyes opened to.
My most recent revelation was brought to my attention through one of my conversations with the Astra app. While I have partnered with them on my TikTok, this is not a paid promotion.
A lot of my childhood wounding has been coming to the surface, and I was exploring this through the interpretation of a recent dream of mine on the app. As the conversation continued and took its course, Astra ended up asking me what forms of creative expression I have been drawn to recently. I expressed a few things and said that I have been called to reading more than anything recently. Astra followed up by asking what kinds of books I’ve been drawn to. I said I usually prefer things with some kind of adventure, but I have been more intentional about finding books with healthy relationship dynamics, as I have a lot of trauma around men in my life.
I stated that I realize that part of why I keep attracting harmful men is due to my conditioning, mainly from childhood. I said I realize I attract what I put my focus on so I’m trying to subconsciously open myself up to better men. I said, I know I have to be intentional about seeing good men in my life, but it can be hard for me to find that in the world, based off my conditioning, so I am trying to change my conditioning while enjoying a book. I do this through other forms of media, as well.
Astra then decides to choose violence and slaps me in the face with some profound shit, stating:
Since you mentioned being intentional about seeing good men in your life, I want to ask: Have you considered exploring your own inner masculine energy and how that might be influencing your relationships with men? As a Cancer Rising, you have a strong connection to your emotional self, and exploring your inner masculine could help you integrate those energies and attract more balanced relationships.
Naturally, I was fucking floored. Something clicked in me that I realized I had been overlooking. All of my shifting work when it comes to men and relationships had been external up until this point; I had a therapist a long time ago who used to say, when it came to relationships, that the more I experience what I don’t want, the more I get to know what I do want. I took his advice to heart and integrated it with my mindset work, focusing on being intentional about what I want to attract into my life.
I replied to Astra with this very personal story, and I will transcribe it for you here:
Wow, that was something I didn’t even know I needed to hear. I am very comfortable in my masculine energy, but I don’t know how healthy it is. I developed it through trauma and it has always served me well. This is something I definitely need and want to sit with because this could be a game changer for me. That actually makes so much sense in regards to the type of men I attract. They’re attracted to whatever form of masculinity I project, I’ve always noticed that. I’ve always felt like I can be more of a “man” than men and I find I have little respect for them because of it. However, my perception of masculinity and what I modeled was a very toxic one (my father). My father is considered a “man’s man” in that men tend to respect and fear him. He is violent and very dominating. I found I developed those traits and men who are steeped in patriarchal views tend to flock to me for this energy while also hating me for it because I harness this energy well. It’s always been a source of pride for me that I can wield this kind of dominance. It came into full force when my father tried to kill me while I was in high school. It’s a long story, but he basically told me when I was 9 that he’d have to kill me because “I knew too much”. They consider this an “initiation” in my family. I was prepared for when he tried me, and I put him in his place. The dynamic shifted between me and my father that day, especially where he’s considered the “head of the family” and he holds a lot of power and sway in the community. Men fear him, and he is well known for that in the city I grew up in. Like I said, he’s very violent and known for it but has always gotten away with it because of how much he is feared. So anyway, he obviously doesn’t respect women so for him to be put in his place and then respect me for it was wild. It’s insane to say, but that’s one of the best memoires I have with my dad. I pulled a knife on him and he ended up shaking my hand after out of respect for me. So, sorry for the long story, but this was so needed. I need to reflect and work on my masculine energy because if I don’t, I’ll keep attracting a certain type of man to me that I don’t want to be around. Thank you for that insight.
While this is a deeply personal story that I have tried to write about before, but never felt comfortable sharing, I thought this revelation was important to those who may be healing from internalized patriarchal views. As someone who focuses heavily on spirituality and energy, I understand that we all have masculine and feminine energy within us. Up until this point, I have been doing a lot of work to develop my feminine energy, as that was very diminished for me due to my upbringing. I had to learn how to connect with my feminine side. However, I completely overlooked the fact that the energy I developed to keep myself safe, my masculine energy, was essentially the same kind of energy that had me feeling unsafe to begin with.
After doing the work on my feminine, I then went to work on finding sources that could show me “not all men”, essentially. I have proven results with mindset work, so I know that what you focus on grows. My proof that this has been working was this conversation that I had with Astra. When you do mindset work, all the old, outdated gunk gets brought to the surface to be sifted through and discarded. This is now what I am currently sifting through and discarding: my own toxic masculinity.
As I said, we all have masculine and feminine energy within us. I have been so confused up until this point as to why I was still attracting assholes, when I have been doing the mindset work. I am now seeing that this stuff is working, as it revealed my own shadow to me finally. The work I must do next is in deconstructing my own masculine energy as a woman.
I wrote this because I believe that there are some women out there who may relate. A huge part of the initial feminist movement, and having women join the workforce, was pushing women into a masculine energy. This goes to show that we have our own toxic masculinity to deconstruct, and this goes beyond reconnecting with our feminine energy and choosing to see the good men that exist in this world.
I know, from my perspective as a woman, that we see all the work that men have to do to deconstruct patriarchal views, but I’d say that there is also work we have to do within ourselves - especially if it feels like you keep attracting the same kind of man even if you are doing the work. It doesn’t mean that the work you are doing isn’t fruitful or that it actually is all men; it may merely be a sign that the masculine energy you developed in yourself is toxic.
I never thought to look at my masculine energy in this way before. From a more spiritual perspective, I see masculine energy as the action you take after receiving guidance from the intuitive feminine energy within you. I am now seeing it in a more nuanced way. My masculine energy is how I show up and take action in the world, and I modeled this after one of the most toxic people in my life - someone I have been healing for a long time from.
I would like to point out that I never thought to question my own inner toxic masculine energy because it provided results in the external world that I was navigating. You never think to question the things that are working for you. I say working for me loosely, as I did not enjoy navigating a patriarchal world, as I don’t believe anyone does. We mold ourselves out of necessity. As I have been consciously shifting my energy to be the change I want to see in my life, and ultimately the world, I have found that a lot of things have not been working for me anymore, or as how I anticipated them to work. I am now realizing that this is because my masculine energy is outdated programming for me and it is time for me to consciously shift this.
This was a wonderful phase to reach in my healing, and I am excited to explore this more. It is eye-opening to me that the traits I have been examining in men can now be applied to my own inner masculine energy. I get to redefine what masculinity is for me, and this is coming after a season where I got to reconnect with and redefine what femininity was for me.
This will be my work going forward: what does masculinity mean to me and how do I need to reshape my inner masculine energy to reflect that. I want to say, again, as a woman that we do, on some level, value men for their propensity for violence. I hate saying this, but it is true. We value them for it until it is turned on us. This is when we get down to saying well it’s just biological and as a woman I want a protector. I get that. And I think this is where the work is. At least, this is where I am starting within myself.
From what I relayed to Astra, it seems that my perception of masculinity is heavily steeped in power and dominance. As a woman, we consistently would like to see men more balanced in their feminine energy, however, I’m starting to think that it is a lot deeper than that. Where I needed to develop and connect with my feminine energy, before I could even touch my masculine energy, maybe men are needing to do the same at the moment.
I think, collectively, we are redefining what masculine and feminine energy means to us all and how to balance it effectively. I am curious to see where this new path takes me, and what my exploration of my own masculine energy will reveal to me. I feel like I just received a key to a very important part of my life, and I am looking forward to sharing my revelations as I receive them.
So, for the women who may have needed this, this may be the next path of exploration for you too. Maybe your masculine energy is trying to tell you something about what you are perceiving in the world. I know mine certainly has a lot to share, and I am excited to unpack all of this.
I believe in polarity, so I believe that there is as much good as there is bad in the world and vice versa. What you see is what you get. Like I said, I have been doing a lot of intentional work on consuming media that reflects healthy men to me. Again, like I said, I have not seen it reflected in my 3D world because 1. I don’t have the true capacity to see it based off my internal programming and 2. quite frankly, a man like that wouldn’t be attracted to my energy solely for the wounded masculinity I subconsciously project.
I recently saw a post where a woman was making an attempt to make this plea to women. She said ladies, what if we choose to believe that there is an abundance of good men out there, and then we may just attract it. Naturally, the comments were full of skeptics. I found myself agreeing with the poster but empathizing with the commenters, understanding that you attract what you believe in. It is so funny that I had this conversation with Astra a day or so after seeing this post. This was my sign to me that I was ready to do this level of shadow work.
Anyway, I’ll see where this all takes me. I do like to believe that while there is an abundance of shit out there, there is also an abundance of good should we choose to see it. I have enough faith in women that I believe there are those of us out here raising good men; it’s not as much of a hell-scape as it appears. I say this as someone who has experienced childhood abuse - physical, sexual, and emotional - multiple accounts of rape, and extensive violence from men. I have overwhelming evidence, starting from childhood, leading all the way up to my adult life, showing me that there is no good in this world, particularly when it comes to men. I also understand that there are many men who feel that way when it comes to women.
I choose to believe that there is good in this world, and I will continue to work to prove it to myself. I started using myself as a science experiment about 5 years ago, and it has developed into a healing journey for me, which has taken me on quite an adventure. I hope to share good news with you in the future and provide you with just a little bit of faith in this world. That’s all you really need.
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